


Bill Cipher Works At a Grocery Store

by LadyofI, RiddlePanda



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: A Group Call Inspired This, Gen, I Wish Customer Attendants Could Get Away With This Stuff, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 12:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16241951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyofI/pseuds/LadyofI, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiddlePanda/pseuds/RiddlePanda
Summary: Evan used to hate his job as a customer service attendant. Then fifty Bill Ciphers came to work at his job.





	Bill Cipher Works At a Grocery Store

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so the backstory behind this is that Dodger found a picture of a tiny Bill Cipher and asked RiddlePanda (who works in retail) what she would do with a bunch of tiny Bill Ciphers. She said she'd take them to work and put them to work. And then you have my dumb ass who was in a writing slump and decided to take the random lines we came up with in the group call and make it into a story.
> 
> Also, do take note that this is semi-canon divergent. I wanted comedy not terror (I have my own stories to inspire that), so this is not the Bill Cipher from the show. This is just chaos masquerading as a bunch of Ciphers.

       Evan used to hate his job as a customer service attendant, but all that had changed recently. He couldn’t say he completely _loved_ it, but no one could deny that things had become a lot more interesting ever since “the incident”.  
  
Said incident being a horde of fifty tiny Bill Ciphers suddenly working for the store and wreaking havoc on the customers. He enjoyed being able to tell the customers that there was no helping them in his own way.  
  
“Oh, what’s that? You cracked open an egg and bees came out of it? What a surprise!”  
  
“Oh, don’t worry about Nicholas Cage in the bear suit; the bees will get him.”  
  
“You tried to pay for your groceries and instead of cash, you pulled out Monopoly money? Sorry, I hope you had a card! …Oh wait, your cards were replaced with old Blockbuster cards…”  
  
“You claim that some of the Ciphers poured tuna juice into your car and attracted a horde of cats? Sorry, but we cannot compensate for that. We cannot control them, nor fire them.”  
  
“No, Jane, we cannot fire them. Union rules. Plus, they keep rehiring themselves.”  
  
“You bought chicken tenders and when you opened the bag they turned into dancing tacos? I fail to see the problem there.”  
  
“You bought a bag of Skittles and they turned out to be scorpion eggs? Whoopsie!”  
  
“The Ciphers turned your car into a flaming horse? I don’t know, that sounds pretty freaking sweet.”  
  
“So wait, you found jet fuel in your Red Bull? …I fail to see the problem; isn’t that what they actually put in that stuff?”  
  
“Yes, those _are_ disco balls replacing the spotlights. …It’s Casual Friday again.”  
  
“You bought a 12-pack of Mountain Dew and it turned into horse urine? There was a difference?”  
  
“You tried to buy a pregnancy test for your girlfriend and it turned into flowers? ...I think I need to try that.”  
  
“...Cleanup in Aisle 12; the Ciphers opened up another portal to the Cat Dimension. Please do not cuddle the kittens. I repeat, do _not_ cuddle the kittens; Aisle 12 is crowded enough as is..”  
  
       And then there were times where the Ciphers caused him to hate his job yet again.  
  
“Oh come on, Cipher! You did not have to turn my thermos into a dog bowl!”  
  
“Can you stop turning the grocery store inside out and backwards? It’s hard to inventory everything.”  
  
“Sorry, I can’t come in today. The Ciphers turned my car into horse shit.”  
  
“Quit turning my store into Lowes! I don’t even work there!”  
  
“Stop turning my thermos into a giant bottle of booze! I know you guys drive me to drink, but I can’t get drunk at work!”  
  
“ _No,_ Bill, you _cannot_ invite ‘a few friends’ over for a day! If I let _you_ do it, I’ll have to let the _rest_ of you do it, and _then_ where will we be?”  
  
“Quit making deals with customers! We cannot _deal_ with a customer who was promised riches and was given dark chocolate coins!”  
  
“Can you stop turning the music to eldritch screaming?”  
  
“Alright, which one of you turned all the lids in the store into top hats? …No, I do not _care_ that you didn’t turn them into socks…again!”  
  
         And _then_ there were the days where Evan needed a stiff drink after work.  
  
“Jane, I am _so_ sorry for the Ciphers turning your spicy cranberry rotisserie chicken into a live chicken covered in cranberries and breathing fire. We’ll recompensate you.”  
  
“Why are there flying ham hocks and flying collard greens in the grocery section?”  
  
“Why is the sky above us pink and raining chocolate sprinkles and buttercream frosting…indoors?”  
  
“No, those are not kids in the store; those are tiny Bill Ciphers. …I’m guessing this is your first time here, huh?”  
  
“Another day, another day you Ciphers turned our store into Acme!”  
  
“Stop trying to make “Eggward, God of Eggs” happen! We don’t need _another_ god in this store!”  
  
“For the _last fucking time_ , would you _please_ stop randomly teleporting people between restrooms!?”  
  
“No Ma’am, the talking Broccoli is in fact, NOT for sale. It is merely for display. You can get the screaming Cauliflower though, we’re trying to get rid of it due to its umm… ‘vulgar language’.”  
  
“The customer LITERALLY turned into a demon as they were screaming at me.”  
  
“No, sir; we do not have that item… Wait, scratch that; NOW we do. A Cipher just re-stocked it… but with added tentacles.”  
  
“All in all, just another Monday.”

**Author's Note:**

> A HUGE thank you to RiddlePanda for inspiring this, because without her, I'd never do something this freaking insane. Also to Dodger for inspiring quite a few of the lines and giving me store names to go on.
> 
> To SliverEmperor (at DeviantArt) for being an amazing editor, humoring this whole thing, and making sure it stayed reasonably within canon.
> 
> And finally to Rogus, Steve, Baden, the Carolina Palms Resort and the Crimson Society Servers for suggesting lines and making this story a bit more hilarious than if I had worked on it on my own.
> 
> I am mythicalmiracles on tumblr and Insanity_Lady on Twitter if you wanna yell at me.


End file.
